It’s that time again. No, no-one’s going to get gunged and Dave Benson-Philips isn’t going to smile in your face like a goofy fuck, but you are going to dance like a lunatic. The Sucker Punch boys have laid on another delectable musical banquet for us and Cool & Deadly founder Tayo will tonight be sitting firmly at the head of the table. What that means, of course, is some serious bass.

Jack Opus, Andy H, Mr. Shanks and Timmy Dutch are all lined up to whet your appetite and deliver extra helpings when needed, so don’t think you won’t get your fill. Oh, and it’s only £4. That’s less than I pay to get my chimney swept.

You’d better come. What else are you going to do? Lie in your hammock and hug what’s left of your emaciated body? You look like somebody’s filled a sack half full of duplo and painted it pink. Get out there and do something worthwhile!

More info on Facebook. Do it.

You’ve drank some champagne with your Grandma, handed out blankets to the homeless, bought a goat for some kids in Africa and helped a young boy reach the porn rags in your local newsagents, but it’s New Year’s Eve and you still don’t feel fulfilled. What next? Find somewhere to dance until your socks disintegrate and your ear drums drip out like pink mushy peas, of course. That’s where I come in. Below are a few of the options available to you in the city known for its role in the industry of steel.

Threads vs Suckerpunch – DQ
Not packed with the usual big names associated with Suckerpunch, but still shaping up to be a night of musical debauchery capable of ushering in the decade with a bang. Andy H, Mr Shanks, Timmy Dutch, O’hara, Deano, Woodhead, Vanhessa Fruits Longley and Clipoard comprise the line-up, so I’m sure there will be enough aural variety to accommodate everyone. More on Facebook. £7 advance, £10 on the door.

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It might sound like what used to happen in your living room when your Dad found out you made him a pasta collage instead of buying him something for Christmas again, but it’s actually what’s going on at DQ tonight and you’re going to be there. Suckerpunch have assembled a nice little yuletide gift for you and for the acceptable sum of £5, you can cut your teeth on some filthy basslines courtesy of genre Bedouin Elite Force, Urban Gorilla’s Adam Connel, Jonny Townsend, and, of course, residents Mr Shanks and Timmy Dutch.

Whatever your plans may involve, drop the crack-pipe and get your behinds down to DQ, which stands for ‘you haD better come tonight or else your christmas will suck and everyone, even the Queen, will hate you’.

As I mentioned it’s £5, doors at 11. If you’re not there, you officially hate Christmas. Nice one idiot. More on facebook.