Merry Christmas everyone. Seriously, I’m not being sarcastic, I’m sincerely wishing you all a happy day. I hope Santa Clause (who may or may not exist) brought you some spectacular gifts and that you spent all day drinking delicious alcoholic beverages. I also hope that your Uncle Fred didn’t manage to grope your sister with his classic ‘hands-on’ hug and that your weird cousin wasn’t discovered touching himself in front of the cat again. Families are funny, aren’t they?
For a little bit of festive entertainment, I have embedded Lunar C vs Uno Lavoz below, which Don’t Flop kindly uploaded this morning as a little gift to all the battle heads out there. It’s family friendly [canned laughter], so hook it up to your TV and let your grandparents hear some sick bars like back in the day. I’m off to eat some turkey sandwiches and watch some more awful Christmas specials.
P.S. To those who don’t celebrate Christmas. I hope your regular day was all spiffy and nice too.
December is upon us and soon we shall be force-fed Mariah Carey, Wham! and that Band Aid thing which, at first, will be perfectly tolerable but will eventually become about as entertaining as watching the educational tv that comes on at four in the morning while being repeatedly kicked in the back of the head by an angry reindeer. So, to help you cope, I have compiled a list of 10 alternative Christmas songs which you can refer to in order to retain your Christmas spirit without contemplating suicide or at least, without poking sharp implements down your ear holes. Enjoy.
This one comes via the beautiful people over at Disturbed Beats and reminds me why I am in love with DJ Zinc’s Crack House mix series. Packed full of absolute bangers, just like its predecessors, this epic includes tracks from Zinc himself, 8-bit, Major Lazer, Vato Gonzalez, Diplo, Geeneus and of whole damn sack of others. The best drop is just over 16 minutes in, it’ll make your baubles jingle…
I guess this is where I’d usually say I’ve posted the track listing after the jump, but I can’t find it anywhere; it’s hidden! If you head over to the Soundcloud page though, you can gather some clues from the comments there.
It’s actually Christmas right now and instead of having fun with my family and chinking glasses full of beer, eating chocolate and watching repeats of the last three days of TV, I’m writing this to wish you well in the very same activities. Of course, in five minutes I’ll be downstairs watching Home Alone and wondering how I could rig up a can of paint to hit my Grandma in the head without killing her, but that’s besides the point.
Oh and if you don’t want to listen to a ’90s compilation of terrible Christmas music at dinner this year, I suggest you get your hands on Sufjan Stevens’ Songs For Christmas. If you’re familiar with Stevens, then I’m sure you can imagine his mellow stylings applied to classic carols. There are some angelic, plucky originals in there too, which are sure to lift your mood and even give your Dad cause to smile as he ponders passing up the offer to join that French model in her hotel suite all those years ago. Or something like that.
Diplo has uploaded an instrumental and is appealing for YOU (not you specifically, we’re talking joe public here) to spit some festive lyrics over it. If I was going to enter I’d rap about how I hate people who hate Christmas and cut off their legs and bury them under the porch because they’re making me mad and when they make me mad I do silly things…but that’s just me. I don’t know what’s going to happen to the winning efforts, but I presume that if he likes it your whole life will change and instead of eating frozen pizza alone at Christmas, you’ll be whisked away to a yacht off the coast off Miami and get to limbo under some strippers. This is all speculation, of course, but it reminds me of the time I won that Elton John competition and had to go on a yacht with him. That was sort of fun.
If you think you have the stones, head over to Mad Decent to hear the track, some of the current submissions and how to submit your own entries. If you’re looking for inspiration, some sick Christmas rap lies after the jump.
So Rage made it to number one and now all we have to do is sit back and watch capitalism fall, right? We’ll be wearing matching slacks — or North Korean jeans — in no time.
I know that, in reality, all we did was make the guys at the top even richer, but let’s look on the bright side; some of the excess cash is going to charity, we get some decent shit on prime-time Christmas radio for once and Rage’s ambitions of revolution were sort of, kind of, a little bit realised. I reckon I could pull-off one of those communist caps anyway.
As triumphant as this whole campaign was, it doesn’t excuse the hordes of indescribably annoying people who can’t spell for shit on Facebook (e.g. “they derverve the money” and “hearing that song on the radio gave me goosebumbs”). I want there to be an ‘Illiterate Bastards’ privacy setting, so I can block them from seeing me but still have the capacity to abuse them. Oh, and for the purpose of being politically correct, I’d also like to posit the idea of a dyslexic override. I’m so fair. Read more »
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