For a little bit of festive entertainment, I have embedded Lunar C vs Uno Lavoz below, which Don’t Flop kindly uploaded this morning as a little gift to all the battle heads out there. It’s family friendly [canned laughter], so hook it up to your TV and let your grandparents hear some sick bars like back in the day. I’m off to eat some turkey sandwiches and watch some more awful Christmas specials.

P.S. To those who don’t celebrate Christmas. I hope your regular day was all spiffy and nice too.

December is upon us and soon we shall be force-fed Mariah Carey, Wham! and that Band Aid thing which, at first, will be perfectly tolerable but will eventually become about as entertaining as watching the educational tv that comes on at four in the morning while being repeatedly kicked in the back of the head by an angry reindeer. So, to help you cope, I have compiled a list of 10 alternative Christmas songs which you can refer to in order to retain your Christmas spirit without contemplating suicide or at least, without poking sharp implements down your ear holes. Enjoy.

Reuben – Christmas is Awesome
First up is an offering from the amazing yet recently disbanded Reuben, ‘Christmas is Awesome’. Any song that contains the lyrics “you got horrid shit, you got a comedy sock” is a classic in my book. Remember that.

Eazy-E – Merry Muthaphuckkin’ Xmas
Christmas in Compton? Seems fun, I mean where else is an AK considered a stocking filler? I think this track is literally the polar opposite to ‘White Christmas’ [insert laughter here]. Sorry, that wasn’t even remotely witty…

Ramones – Merry Christmas (I Don’t Want to Fight Tonight)
We all head into Christmas Day with this mentality because, let’s face it, no-one has their heart set on a festive argument. But, a controversial board game and a trivia disagreement later and your Uncle has your Grandpa in a headlock. Typical Uncle Keith, he’ll be back inside before the new year.

King Kooba – O Christmas Tree
Electronic Christmas tunes are usually pretty awful — Dubstep Snowman is a prime example — but King Kooba’s ‘O Christmas Tree’ from the OM Records Home For the Holidays compilation is a gem. An exquisite piano sample and some loungey understated percussion make this one perfect for a bit of festive snooze background music.

The Knife – Christmas Reindeer
I imagine Christmas in Sweden is incredibly förkylning (cold, or whatever Google Translate says the word cold is in Swedish…it might say yoghurt) and at times, Karin’s voice reflects such temperatures here, ascending icily ever higher. Quite haunting in places, the metallic snare and distorted tail of the kick somehow lends ‘Christmas Reindeer’ a melancholic and occasionally ominous air. Ideal for a perilous and potentially life-threatening drive home through a blizzard.

The Yeah Yeah Yeahs – All I Want for Christmas
This one is all about the Christmas bells plodding throughout. I imagine the conception of the song went something like this: “How do we make a Christmas song guys?” [moment of silence while everyone thinks] “Bells. And then some more damn bells, with bells on.” Genius. All poor humorous commentary aside, I’ve always liked Karen O’s quivering voice and this is rather charming.

Blink 182 – Happy Holidays You Bastard
For this entry it was a toss up between ‘Happy Holidays You Bloody Buzzard’ and ‘I Won’t Be Home For Christmas’, which is undoubtedly a better song. ‘Happy Holidays’, however, eventually prevailed because it makes me laugh and it’s only 45 seconds long. Ahhh, brief teenage memories.

Run DMC – Christmas in Hollis
I would attempt to craft a present-related pun about how rap sounds the same as wrap here, but that would just be silly. Run DMC would never tolerate that kind of poor wordplay. The Rev would slap me upside the head with a piece of coal.

Sufjan Stevens – Songs For Christmas
Songs For Christmas is a compilation featuring five Christmas related EPs and they’re all pretty damn good. A mix of reworked traditional songs and some beautiful originals, Stevens’ plinky (in a good way) style fits Christmas like a custom gimp suit…so, you know, very well.

Tim Minchin – White Wine in the Sun
Christmas in Australia, or at least parts of it, is sunny. While my family cranks the heating up to 11, breaks out the Miniature Heroes and watches The Muppet Christmas Carol, Tim Minchin’s posse drinks white wine in the sun and presumably pops off a few shots at some kangaroos. This one’s a bit of a sentimental crooner but a dash of humour makes it worthwhile.

And that’s it. This is the end…of the list, not the world.

Additional Note: This list, of course, is one informed by personal preference and is certainly not definitive. There’s a ridiculous amount of Christmas tunes out there, so please post any we’ve missed in the comments. Meeeerrrryyyy Christmas!

Josef – Lift by josefmakesmusic

Zero 7 – Swing (Josef Remix) by josefmakesmusic

Ok, so I guess you come here because we’re renowned for our cutting-edge electronic music coverage right? Shhh, well I’m now going to break the mould and talk for a little bit about 50 Cent’s upcoming novel, Playground. Now I don’t want to just come out and say it’s going to win the Nobel Prize for Literature, but it bloody well will. The main character is called fucking Butterball. BUTTERBALL!

I just spent the last ten, or two, minutes reading the first few chapters over at Entertainment Weekly and it’s a work of pure genius. The numerous references to fried chicken, the talk of beating another kid up with a sock full of batteries and the fact that it’s so damn REAL really got to me. After all, the subtitle is ‘The Mostly True Story of a Former Bully’ and I once told a kid he had big ears so I can really identify with where Fid’s coming from. I haven’t been this excited about a book release since Steve Bruce’s Sweeper.

Head over to Entertainment Weekly to read an exclusive excerpt.

Footnote: My arseholery aside, at least the book has bears an admirable message and might actually get some kids reading. Maybe it will even motivate Lil’ Wayne to write something…that would be the greatest novel in the history of history.

Buy the Drive soundtrack at Amazon UK or Amazon US.

Anyway, the reason for the insulting preamble was to introduce Lunar C, one of the best MCs I’ve heard in [begin writing like Jedward] like, the whole summer guys ok, cool, yeah? [end writing like Jedward] His recent performances for Don’t Flop have been better than that time you found an extra Jaffa Cake in your lunch pod and his music is equally gratifying. So much so in fact, that I actually paid money for his recent release, The Lunar CD. It cost me £3. You can’t even get a pint for that in London. And it’s sick. Here’s another short sentence.

Edit: I looked up Notable Bradfordians (there’s loads).

Buy The Lunar CD at Bandcamp.

After their huge single ‘Without You’, that indeed topped RA’s list of the top 50 tracks of 2010, Art Department kind of blew up. So a full-length album is as close as you’re going to get to the next logical step, and it doesn’t disappoint. Sparse, echoing and predominately male vocals (whether courtesy of Kenny Glasgow himself, the infamous Seth Troxler or Soul Clap) play out over and under elongated 4/4 patterns that at no point feel rushed or frantic. Epic opener ‘Much Too Much’ is enough to have you sprawled out, mesmerised on your beanbag. I don’t know if watching a video of Art Department’s two club music veterans shooting the shit will be beneficial in your appreciation of their debut LP, but it’s not like I can invite you round, throw the album on the hi-fi and hush any of your inquisitive mutterings. So here’s a couple of samplers and said video. Live long and prosper.

CRMCD014 01 Much Too Much by Crosstown Rebels

CRMCD014 07 Vampire NightClub (Album Version) by Crosstown Rebels

Art Department at Tic Tac Toe, Glasgow from EQTV.DJ

Buy The Drawing Board from Juno Records.

Apparently, this LP wanders off in a completely new and different direction, away from any of his previously known work. And it definitely wanders, with an epically simplistic style reminiscent of one N. Jaar. Lonesome kicks and claps glue the sonic narrative together, sometimes explicitly and others not so. Although Stimming was in a dark place when making Liquorice (see Defected for more if you care), it is not a sinister album. More deep, pensive and care-free. An abundance of field recordings and samples entwine with the loose synth/beat patterns to create something atmospheric and real that resonates. It’s a weird album for sure, and if you want proof, check out ‘Don’t Touch This’ below. Absolutely glorious.

Instead of getting mad when the vending machine spiral doesn’t turn enough to let your chocolate fall, buy Liquorice from Juno.

Listen below and grab it for free over at the official Alpines site. Also, I recommend you actually check out the original version because that’s a bit special too.

Alpines – Drive (Skream’s I Ain’t Got a License Mix)

Buy Night Drive EP at Juno.